​This month our resident advice columnist, Mark, narrows down his list of favorite summer foods to the top five.

Got a question for Mark? Throw it in the pile for next month's issue here.

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Mark,

Can you work up a definitive ranking of the top five Summer foods?

Jack

Dunwoody, GA

You got it, Jack. As with anything, it's typically all in the execution. Most of these foods can either be very good or very bad. So, don't just haul off and run to Kroger, read the explanations first.

Pimento Cheese

When made well, it's the clear #1. When it's made poorly (the kind you buy at the deli counter at most grocery stores) it is absolutely disgusting. We are talking throw it in the garbage without taking a second sniff bad.

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The common denominator between the good ones is that they are tangy and on the thicker side. The grocery store stuff is a cold, sweet, mayo soup. I have to stop writing about this or I'm going to be sick.

Ice Cream

Good in all forms. There's really no way to complain about it. If you prefer soft serve, the other kind (hard serve?) is great too. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry? All good. Ice cream from McDonalds? Still good. Ice cream bars? So good you can just smear 'em all over your face.

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Watermelon

Also serves as best slushy and snow cone flavor.

I've seen pictures and how-to articles on turning watermelons into big, party drink vessels, but I have never seen it actually work in-person. Probably all Youtube smoke-and-mirrors are perpetuated by Big Watermelon to get us to buy a watermelon, ruin it by cutting holes in it, filling it with liquid, etc., then not get anything for our work, just so we go back to Kroger with sticky hands, buy another, and then eat it normally.

Also, shout out to seedless watermelons. When I was a kid, those were clearly not as good as the seeded varieties, but the scientists at Monsanto have really nailed the genetic method to maximize sweetness and minimize seeds.

Blind Melon

Tomatoes. Pros: Very easy to grow, tons of varieties, can be eaten at any meal. Cons: Difficult to spell and pluralize, bad ones are real gross (e.g. the ones served at Subway), classified by "scientists" as a fruit, but we all know it's a vegetable. Also, you gotta have the right knife if you are going to try to cut them.

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Mark is a former lawyer who lives in Nashville. If you see a guy that looks like a former lawyer in Germantown, feel free to say, "Hi." You can also find him on the internet at basketofchips.com and @cmharrod.