This month our resident advice columnist, Mark Harrod, gives us his sage two cents on the best gifts to give for the holidays.
Got a question for Mark? Throw it in the pile for next month's issue here.
What's the best part of Christmas at your house, Mark?
Always been a big fan of the stocking, Lee. Putting unexpectedly nice gifts in a stocking is a way to really make people happy on Christmas morning. Aside from the nice stuff, you can put almost anything in there—even so far as putting one family member's intended stuffers in somebody else's stocking by accident. Only the elves will know you biffed that one on Christmas morn. I think the only "rule" per se is that you gotta start with that big navel orange down there in the toe.
What is on your Christmas list this year?
I'm not the best at picking out potential gifts for myself. St. Nick seems to be checking my Amazon wish list here the past few years, which is quite convenient. I tend to use the wish list as something of a running shopping list, so based upon the time Santa chooses to browse I could end up with a large haul of golf equipment and/or self-help books. The book part really happened last year. I kept a running list of titles I heard recommended on podcasts throughout the year and subsequently walked out of my grandparents' house looking like I needed a life coach immediately. That being said, here's a couple gift ideas for the loved ones in your life.
Best and only gift for your uncle: hot sauce that references how scorched the anus of the eater will be after digestion.
1. Best Name.
2. "It might blast you into space."
3. Soak thine ass in an old oaken bucket.
Best gift overall: Pocketknife.
A pocketknife is the most useful gift many people will receive in their life. Additionally, depending on their habits, the loved one to which you give a pocketknife will think of you often. They will also have one pained memory of you while spiking the knife in the trash going through airport security after checking all their luggage.
Mark is a former lawyer who lives in Nashville. If you see a guy that looks like a former lawyer in Germantown, feel free to say, "Hi." You can also find him on the internet at basketofchips.com and @cmharrod.