After the response I got to last month’s wedding column with the Fuzz Question of the Month, it only makes sense to dedicate this space to even further engage with the Fuzzcrowd. So let’s dive in with some new stuff. As always, please email email@example.com your questions and he will pass them on to me.
Am I supposed to store grapes in the refrigerator or out on the counter?
-Reed from Nashville
Hey Reed, good question. Unfortunately I don’t know the answer. They seem to be universally stored at room temp in grocery stores but I remember them being in the refrigerator as a kid, so that’s what I do now. I can’t be sure if refrigeration does anything to the half-life of supermarket grapes, but it seems like I get a bag and they immediately turn into disgusting quasi-raisins in the fridge. Why do I have to buy those massive bags of grapes, Reed? Why aren’t there smaller bags? I am but only one man.
Speaking of raisins, let’s take a moment to honor the Beatles of anthropomorphic fruit, The California Raisins.
Younger readers of this column are likely unaware of the level of stardom these singing shills had in the 1980s. Wikipedia tells us this story about the creation of the campaign–the advertising guy just said, “We’ve tried everything but dancing raisins singing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.”
Let’s learn from this, team. Involve songs from The Big Chill soundtrack in your creative endeavors and you will succeed. (Editor’s note: tell Mark enough with the Big Chill soundtrack). It didn’t hurt that Buddy Miles of Band Of Gypsys fame [the Jimi Hendrix band that was better than the Experience] was the front raisin-man on that first track. He’s one of the best singing drummers of all time.
I was going to suggest that Lee do some sort of marketing where he animates the Fuzz lineup of products, but that seems to have already been done.
Should have tracked it with “Natural Woman.”
I’m trying to ride my bicycle more for exercise, but i can’t seem to get it right. I feel weird riding a bike as an adult. Any tips?
-Kyle from Tupelo, MS
Brother I haven’t ridden a Huffy in 20 years, but I do see a lot of people riding bikes and have pinpointed your two probable issues:
You haven’t figured out how the gears work. I’m regularly amused watching somebody try to go up a hill in the wrong gear on a bike. They are either pedaling in near slow-motion–so slowly it looks like the bike will tip over from lack of forward inertia–or their legs are pumping away a million times a second and the bike is going nowhere. Try out the different gears on your bike and you’ll probably find it easier.
You are riding a bike that is way too small for you. If your legs are cockeyed to about 45 degrees while you try to pedal, get a bigger bike. This is not only inefficient and bad for your knees, but also makes you look to passersby like a huge bird with malformed wings flapping out of rhythm.
I’ve turned over a new leaf and am going to try to qualify for the Summer Olympics. What do you think my odds are of getting on the USA squad to compete in the hammer toe?
-Sam from Norcross, GA
Get on the hammer toe team? Never had one, but I think all you gotta do is wear shoes that are too small.
I suspect you are trying to ask me about the olympic sport of hammer THROW. I can’t tell from your email address whether you are a girl Sam or a guy Sam, but there are both women’s and men’s divisions of that contest at the Olympic Games, so you are good there. I can also tell you that people on the U.S. Olympic Hammer Throw team likely devote their entire lives to whirling around and throwing heavy weights. You are at a disadvantage starting this late in life, but as the California Raisins advertising dude showed us, anything is possible. You might also just develop 10 hammer toes and see if the Guinness Book of World Records would recognize you as having the world’s most busted feet.
I’m starting high school in a couple weeks and am nervous about it. What’s gonna happen on that first day?
-Danny from Houston
I remember that feeling well, Danny. Not sure what’s going to happen, but I can tell you this: around this day 16 years ago I went from a small-ish junior high into a large high school. I made it all the way through that first day uneventfully. Actually, no I did not.
Needing to use the bathroom in between classes I headed into the main hallway and wound my way through all the people that spilled out after the bell rang. I went past the entrance to the women’s room and in through the next door which I presumed to be the men’s. I hastily retreated after realizing that the bathrooms at my new school were large enough to need two doors (imagine the cinderblock bathrooms at stadiums where you go in one side and come out the other).
So I accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom on the first day of high school. Don’t sweat your first day, though. I’m sure you’ll do great.*
*For the record I recovered from this to be voted as my class’s representative on the homecoming court about 6 weeks later. Although it occurs to me now that everyone probably just got together and voted for me in hopes that I would do something stupid during the proceedings. You know my history with those rental tuxedo shoes.
Mark is a former lawyer who lives in Nashville. If you see a guy who looks like this caricature walking a golden retriever in Germantown, feel free to say hi. You should know, however, that there is another guy who looks a lot like Mark who also walks a golden retriever in Germantown so you might be saying hi to the wrong dude. It has caused confusion in the past—including one particular incident where the other dude’s wife hollered down the street at Mark several times before getting a closer look and realizing her mistake. Anyway, say hi. You can also find him on the internet at basketofchips.com and instagram.com/cmharrod.